This moment in time…

I am currently in bed concentrating on my breathing. I woke up Sunday morning feeling anxious and it hasn’t shifted. This morning I’m tired and weary. I’m tired of feeling like this. I’m tired of wearing a smile to hide how I really am. I’m tired of people calling me to rant about their problems and not even thinking to ask me how I am. 

It’s the people that’s closest to me that will do this but yet can’t see that I am suffering. I have loads of friends but 2 I am close to and I still can’t explain it to them. I tried a few months ago to tell them but it ended back talking about their lives.

I want to stay in this room forever and sleep. I want the world to stay outside as they are not prepared to support me.

And so it began

Anxiety. I’m beginning to hate that word. Even more than having it.

About 6 years ago I had my first panic attack. I didn’t know what was happening  so I went to the doctor. It was the tightening of the chest and couldn’t breath that really scared the shit out of me. At the surgery I was asked “how can I help”. I listed off my symptoms and how I never suffered from them before.

I was then asked had I any worries on my mind. That’s when the floodgates opened up and the tears came. I was being made redundant from my job, 4 months after buying my first house. I was grieving for my nan who had died months previous. I was worried about family members.

After 5 minutes of crying and blowing my nose and leaving out everything that was in my head for the past 6 months, I felt my breathing come back. I felt that 2 cement blocks were lifted from my shoulders. It’s amazing how effective talking is. 

The doctor prescribed me Xanax and I went home and took 1. I threw the rest down the toilet as I promised myself I would get help.

But alas I never bothered. I tried to talk to people about how I was feeling but I was talking to the wrong people. I was met with remarks like “sure everyone suffers with anxiety” “get over yourself”.

 I had one friend who did have it and was amazing. They still suffer today with it but we know how to help one another when times are bad. 

I believe I always suffered with anxiety, from when I was a small child. I have confidence issues stemming from surgery at a young age that will never leave me. 

Rather then face my problems I choose to brush it under the carpet and plant a smile on my face. 

Which leads to more anxiety.